No this is not a sad story, nor a pitiful one.
This is a journey towards gratefulness and contentment. This is me paving the way in search of wisdom and faith.
In the midst of sobbing and whimpering... I realized the blessings in everything that happened.
It is fine that it doesn't flow anymore. That it is not a flaw that I dont have it anymore. That it is going to be ok and I will pull through.
Yet, this is not a sad story.
This is beyond frustration. Worst worst worsssttt feeling ever.
I have foreseen that I will be the scapegoat after the conversation with my boss. Fighting for good place, rating and ranking in a pool of people that are more visible and aligned in their objectives. They see me as an outlier - but not in giving an advantage to me in this case. Despite over here at project, they appreciate and recognized my work and deliverables, kat tempat sendiri aku memang dianak tirikan just because I'm in a different set up and environment. Furthermore this is my last deliberation with them.
Dah nampak dah siapa yang akan jadi mangsa.
So today, first time in a lonnngggg time, I broke down in tears about work.
Everything makes me exhausted lately.
Work
Walk
Flying back and forth
Life
Work - meetingssss, year end performance appraisals, paperworks, letters, more meetings. The never-ending work.....
Walk walk and a lot of walking.
Everything is exhausting, and draining my energy easily lately.
Backpain subsided... but provided that no weight is put on my back. So far I have yet to take the Arcoxia. Good...
All the walking and climbing stairs take toll on my osteoarthritis knees. I need to get it jabbed the next time I see the doctor. Hari tu doctor nak cucuk tak mau! Gatai!
Impian dan harapan yang sama ... rereading some of 2018 up to 2020 posts surely wasn't a good idea.
But at least I know I have loved and I have known then whom I wanted to be with. And it has not changed. Everything is still the same, every feeling, every dream.
That's the love I know... that's the love I need.
20210913
... I still love you. Always have, always do, always will. By now I rasa you dah tau and faham this fact.
Tak perlu dipertikai, tak perlu diuji, tak perlu dipersoal lagi. Tak perlu mintak proof. I did, I do and I always will.
Hakikatnya, dari dulu sampai sekarang, apa yang I impikan, apa yang I hajatkan dan sentiasa doakan, tak menjadi kenyataan. I have prayed that we build a life together, lovingly passionately a husband and wife, a family, dunia hingga ke syurga.
Hakikatnya, buat kesekian kalinya, I ditinggalkan. That one thing I was so afraid of happening in my life, happened eventually. Despite kali yang keberapa entah yang pernah I ulang, I sebut, yang I rayu.
You said, "let's hope for the best". Tak mungkin I mampu duduk saja and tunggu the best to simply happen. I want to do my best, I thought I already have done the best.
If truly we have the same direction, objective and arah tujuan, let's work it out. Let's make it happen now. Why wait. Life is too short to be wasted away such way.
If you don't want to, if you don't reach out, then I understand. I redha.
The thing is, I want to give everything, I want to love you with all of me, with everything that a person could possibly give. But what I want to give and do, is something that can only be done if I am a wife to you. I don't know how to be just a friend to you, because when I am with you or when you are around me, I want to give all. And I also demand to have it all from you. The same devotion that a husband would for a wife, a lover to his loved one, a man to his soulmate. So basically it is all or nothing. This, perhaps suffocates you.
If you are not my husband, I will not be able to be around in your life, hovering....and being around as friend. It breaks me. I know, because it has shattered me before.
So if you are not going to be with me, I will understand... I will always pray for you, doakan untuk you, sampai habis umur I insyaALLAH. I love you, itulah hakikatnya, the truth and tak perlu being tested and proven lagi. I love you with all my heart, all my being, I really do. And I always have, I always do and I always will.
ALLAH sebaik-baik perancang. I know, ALLAH Maha Mengasihi.
ZS
