The question that I have been desperate for an answer all these while is no longer bothersome to me.

I was the problem. With me, everything was a struggle. Every scene seemed like a battlefield. Loving me was not easy, a lot of convincing needed.

I demanded and begged for passion, effort and attention too much. I needed to be convinced most of the time. It was overwhelming. It was suffocating. I know.

So when there's a love that was easier, peaceful, calmer, and needed no convincing, that's what was chosen. 

It took me years to understand this... An expensive lesson, a lifelong lesson...

I made peace with this. 

 Tujuh belas tahun...

It shook me to the core. It changed me...

Something that I don't think I can erase anymore. What's there will remain ...I guess.

 Time for packinngg..... 

And off we go to another adventure. 

 Went skiing again and hurt the knee. Haih.

Unable to turn, loss control of speed and fell on the wrong side.

I've been limping since few days, knee is still swollen and stiff to walk and bend. It's subsiding though, so hopefully back to myself in a day or two. 

Need to get my feet back for another trip next week. 

🙏🏻

 I would give anything to be there again...to feel that again...to have it all, again.

 Ala dah terbekenan Emo pulak ni. Ottokkeeee

 Oh my god.

Perché!!??!!

 Haih.... this dry spell isn't over yet. Snow fall today still manja² jer. But the cold wave is really terrible,  blowing my face to freeze! 

Definitely not k-drama romantic...

 It is unreachable it is frustrating 

 Goodbye 2025. 

It has been great. 

Komabseumnida!

 Haih mencabar iman betul manage four kids. Salute to parents yang ramai anak ni

 Bismillahirrahmanirrahiim... 

Last stint for the year. Let's go brave the winter again.

Fighting.

Both lutut dah kena cucuk. 

Hopefully it improves and lasts for more than 6 months. 

Bismillahirrahmanirrahiim 

Macam² penyakit! Haih getting old mcm ni lah ya.... 

 That one thing that I didn't really prepare for, didn't really think of, and definitely didn't expect it now is menopausal. 

The symptoms have been there for quite sometime but I was assuming they are caused by hormonal imbalance. 

It is frustrating when you lost the focus and memory in the middle of doing something - you forget how many times have you washed your hands for wuduk, you suddenly stopped abruptly thinking you didn't wash your ubun2 and restart your wuduk, you lost khusyuk in solat forgetting you're in which rakaat, whether you duduk tahiyat awal ke tak, you wondered if you performed 3rakaat correctly for maghrib while performing isyak. You become so forgetful that you can't remember where you put your things, you easily forgot things that you just read or something people told you, few incidents of you didn't bring the laptop charger to work, missed a few dateline because you forgot to note it down. Countless of hot flashes, fatigued, and the list goes on. 

When you no longer have your menses, and you realized your womanhood is no longer functioning - your biological clock has really stopped.. and then you realized that you may have lost your libido. 

It is real I can't be in denial anymore... and yet the doctor told me to embrace and just let the nature takes its course. 

I am swallowing these and taking them as a blessing and hikmah dpd Dia. I know Allah jentik aku untuk pengajaran atau mungkin juga suatu pembalasan. 

 These symptoms are real. This is no joke. 

What I thought will be happening perhaps in another decade have already happened. 

Doctor said just let the nature takes its course. Keep healthy lifestyle, take vitamin D and multivitamins that contains some calcium. Mama told me this is natural process and just embrace it. 

I hope I can pull through ... What I am feeling and how is it going at this phase, that's a story for another day.

 Penawar

Here I am again.

The place where my heart and soul tasted pure promises of forever. 

But also the place that witnessed my moments of complete despair.

I left here completely shattered. 

This time...

I shall be creating new memories. I have to. Else, living here will be tormenting.

 No this is not a sad story, nor a pitiful one.

This is a journey towards gratefulness and contentment. This is me paving the way in search of wisdom and faith.

In the midst of sobbing and whimpering... I realized the blessings in everything that happened. 

It is fine that it doesn't flow anymore. That it is not a flaw that I dont have it anymore. That it is going to be ok and I will pull through.

Yet, this is not a sad story.  

 It's sad that I can't reach it anymore. 

Devastated

 This is beyond frustration. Worst worst worsssttt feeling ever. 

I have foreseen that I will be the scapegoat after the conversation with my boss. Fighting for good place, rating and ranking in a pool of people that are more visible and aligned in their objectives. They see me as an outlier - but not in giving an advantage to me in this case. Despite over here at project, they appreciate and recognized my work and deliverables, kat tempat sendiri aku memang dianak tirikan just because I'm in a different set up and environment. Furthermore this is my last deliberation with them. 

Dah nampak dah siapa yang akan jadi mangsa. 

So today, first time in a lonnngggg time, I broke down in tears about work. 

Penat Gila

 Everything makes me exhausted lately.

Work

Walk

Flying back and forth

Life

Work - meetingssss, year end performance appraisals, paperworks, letters, more meetings. The never-ending work.....

Walk walk and a lot of walking. 

Everything is exhausting, and draining my energy easily lately.

Backpain subsided... but provided that no weight is put on my back. So far I have yet to take the Arcoxia. Good...

All the walking and climbing stairs take toll on my osteoarthritis knees. I need to get it jabbed the next time I see the doctor. Hari tu doctor nak cucuk tak mau! Gatai!