20210913
... I still love you. Always have, always do, always will. By now I rasa you dah tau and faham this fact.
Tak perlu dipertikai, tak perlu diuji, tak perlu dipersoal lagi. Tak perlu mintak proof. I did, I do and I always will.
Hakikatnya, dari dulu sampai sekarang, apa yang I impikan, apa yang I hajatkan dan sentiasa doakan, tak menjadi kenyataan. I have prayed that we build a life together, lovingly passionately a husband and wife, a family, dunia hingga ke syurga.
Hakikatnya, buat kesekian kalinya, I ditinggalkan. That one thing I was so afraid of happening in my life, happened eventually. Despite kali yang keberapa entah yang pernah I ulang, I sebut, yang I rayu.
You said, "let's hope for the best". Tak mungkin I mampu duduk saja and tunggu the best to simply happen. I want to do my best, I thought I already have done the best.
If truly we have the same direction, objective and arah tujuan, let's work it out. Let's make it happen now. Why wait. Life is too short to be wasted away such way.
If you don't want to, if you don't reach out, then I understand. I redha.
The thing is, I want to give everything, I want to love you with all of me, with everything that a person could possibly give. But what I want to give and do, is something that can only be done if I am a wife to you. I don't know how to be just a friend to you, because when I am with you or when you are around me, I want to give all. And I also demand to have it all from you. The same devotion that a husband would for a wife, a lover to his loved one, a man to his soulmate. So basically it is all or nothing. This, perhaps suffocates you.
If you are not my husband, I will not be able to be around in your life, hovering....and being around as friend. It breaks me. I know, because it has shattered me before.
So if you are not going to be with me, I will understand... I will always pray for you, doakan untuk you, sampai habis umur I insyaALLAH. I love you, itulah hakikatnya, the truth and tak perlu being tested and proven lagi. I love you with all my heart, all my being, I really do. And I always have, I always do and I always will.
ALLAH sebaik-baik perancang. I know, ALLAH Maha Mengasihi.
ZS
